My Problems.

This is final.

I only bring problems to guys.

The only way to help L is by getting out of his life. Sometimes I think non-endedly of suicide. Asher would love that and be overjoyed, L would be freed of a burden. But, before this, I am going to look for a therapist. to perform hypnosis and place my past into forgetfulness, particularly my last ex. My past with my ex "I" is still something I can't forget yet. If I hadn't stepped into his life, he wouldn't have been bent on hating me to the extent of calling the police and getting me convicted.

He most most most likely hopes n prays n wishes for me to land in jail. Where I can't see the light again. N he's happy now, overjoyed.

I must erase my moments with him and my other exes so I can leave my world in peace. Very soon...
And I won't contact Kaiqi, Jessie, Peiling or any of his friends anymore. This is the only right thing to do now while I haven't left the world. Sure they must be thinking I'm a hypocrite? Maybe?

 My ex called me last night. This is most likely to yell and scream at me. I didn't want to get hurt and insulted by his remarks so I passed the phone to my sister. Anyway, my sister informed me of his decision of pressing charges on me. Well, I decided to leave it all up to Buddha to decide. Let Buddha take hold of my life. Let L be happy with his girlfriend, since the greatest happiness and gift I can give to him is by leaving his life alone. I feel ever since I knew him, I have been the biggest burden on him. Let him meet the girl of his dreams. So what if I ever achieved anything in my life? So what if I managed to escape unharmed this time? It doesn't make anyone happier, it makes everyone more worried and troubled. I'm a jinx to my family. If only I wasn't born... I believe my parents regretted that I came to this world. I owed more than I could pay back. I really have been a nuisance. Maybe my ex is right to a certain point. So what if he is right? So what if he isn't? I really really don't want to mess up with my sister or L's life. If only I could disappear immediately from this world, without trace!

23 July 2010 | What is this?

Slept at 3 last night, was up decorating my blog and stuff like washing dishes and clearing the mess on the kitchen table..

(Wonder what you are doing right now...)

Have I really changed? I still seem to think a lot.. ;)
I still feel I am a big burden in your life, giving you bad luck with your jobs and sometimes, making you feel like a total idiot with my depressive behavior.
(Perhaps I have split personalities, from imagining and thinking I'm someone I'm not, every time!)

Woke up at 11:30 a.m. You're still fast asleep as I didn't see you online or received any SMS from you..
Am I such a terrible girl nobody else would want to be with? I'm kinda distressed that you may upset your religious upbringings as well as spiritual equilibrium, and the laws of those of your faith. I wouldn't like for you to become an outcast, etc.

Why do different people say different things? I don't get it. This is leading to a big confusion in my head..