Just a short post | 5th July

Just a short post for today, with a photo.

>Had a counselor appointment at 3 pm in school today, so left school around 1:30 p.m. 

I realized just like I assumed, the guy who has a designer outlook has rented a pushcart for today and tomorrow. I felt a little bit unhappy as even when I'm with I last time, he never had enough to buy me a shirt. I didn't know which shirt would be suitable for me despite the fact I liked the quality, so I left on the pretext I couldn't find a design I liked.

Counseling helped as I needed someone to share my thoughts and opinions, rather than blogging to a space. I hope this decision will benefit the two of us as I'm leaving for good. Hopefully this decision will bring him up on his feet again as I can't really help him directly. He needs to take his medication again and go to Community Wellness Center for his checkups, if not, his life will be a total mess. I hope he can find someone good. In my heart, I know I am thankful to him. If not, now I wouldn't have time to spend with my mum & baby niece. Feelings will always be there, it's just how you see it as: Romantic feelings, pity or hatred. I swear I don't have the last one. I wish I could clear up to him that I'm not in love with L or thinking of giving him a chance. I've seen through the unhappiness of relationships & don't wish to indulge myself in such stupidity & selfishness again. I want to be single. As well as HAPPY & FREE. 

>Had an early dinner at school canteen with my mum & niece, then took a bus to VivoCity to go shopping for some stuffs at Watsons. Bought another Pfingo card as my credits had run out.  Stayed there till 10 p.m. Got hungry so shared Thai fried vermicelli with my mum, while M had Malay food for her dinner.<

On the road to recovery | 3rd July

Realization~

 

I am going to head forward, and not look back. Today I attended my first buddhist learning class, and realized that there are so many buddhists in Singapore after all. Over 100+ people sacrificing their Saturdays to join, even some rushing after their work. I'll never be 'lonely' again, in that case. 

I realized that conditional love is not healthy. One should love all, not just one particular person. The condition is that: that person be your one special person. I realized how selfish I have been. How unequal I have been. Treating 'him' better than others, giving him special treatment in return for foolishness. What about my mum & my sister? And, worst off, I am even more surprised that aside from my family (my mum who tried to fight her rights for me, my sister who defended my rights via reasoning), it's this officer I knew for a year or so who tried to cheer me up & help me get back my confidence. I had a long talk with him & realized he's changed. No longer the silly-flirty boy who kept trying to stick to me like a magnet. Confiding in him, I feel a lot better. But I didn't tell him too much, I can't because I don't want to act like a weakling. 

Letting Go~

To move on, I have to let go. Forgive him, not hate him. Let him realize the whole thing isn't worth it. It isn't worth it to get sexually involved with others, and self-destructive behavior is for losers. I feel cheated after this; but like the counselor said, he himself agreed to the breakup so is pretty much not something I should think about, it's PAST. I told myself I need to give him my blessings to be with other girls, otherwise I'd be giving him empty hopes. I also know that it's better it happened now than later when we have reached a later stage in the relationship, then this happens. Anyway, I've read two sites on getting over breakups, one is basically on how to get over, another is how you know you've really gotten over. 

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/dumped.htm

http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/are_you_over_it.html

By the way, first link isn't on sexual relationships but "sex & relationships" which is a broad category. I recommend these two for pleasure reading.

And the other day, I picked up this book "A Happily Married Life from a Buddhist perspective" courtesy of KMS but I'm still unsure on whether I should read it or not, as I feel reluctant in believing I should step into another relationship when I am ready next time. I just don't wish to face the exact same pains, neither do I wish to tell myself my officer friend L likes me.

>Took photos at Junction 8. I believe the bruises are getting better, so I don't need to waste money on a skin grafting operation checkup medical fees.

(I think I'm regaining my confidence but I shouldn't overestimate myself just yet.)