Mixed Thoughts:: Emotions!!~

What do u expect me to post, "my ex has moved on?? YIPPEE"? Well I'm happy to see that he is finally using his brains and that L will be out of his target; in fact I did tell him if he hates me he should target me one-to-one instead of harming an innocent bystander like L. My heart sinks every time I see the bruises on L's wrist. If I hadn't been so stubborn, perhaps all this wouldn't have happened. I will have my eyes checked for stamps.

Another season of good food. Am I gaining weight? I hope I am. I don't want my dad to think I'm starving during my period of stay in Singapore.

What is love?

It is the emotional drive of the heart and mind, making us commit several actions unconsciously. I can't help but notice that L doesn't like me one bit except as a friend. I'm not his ideal type of girl, but he could be frank with me instead of beating about the bush, to prevent future misconceptions. And he's waiting for The One.

We took a cab together once and the driver thought we were a couple, perhaps it's the chemistry I have with L but not with other guys. L told the driver a long story instead of just denying the fact. I feel he should be truthful to himself that he does not like a person with in-confidence issue and easily swayed by the remarks of the people around her. Currently, I do not have any special feelings for L yet but am sometimes confused by what he has to say.

Love Versus Religion

I get really pissed off when anyone criticizes my religion especially to the extent of bringing out the Pastor-Rony Tan issue. Hello, it is just two ex-Buddhists, has the person who is forwarding me the message even thought about the number of ex-Christians 'converting' to Buddhists? And so much for saying I failed because of being a non-believer of Christianity, I really think there is a problem here with this person, not with the religions at all!! 

For the moment, I believe that love is hopeless. I'm not going to wait for The One like L, but I do wish him happiness and everlasting bliss, from the bottom of my heart. Secondly I wish to wish it to Mr John S from the Nanyang Technological University, as he hasn't found his second half yet.

Thoughts regarding personal change

Just something I have to say. Firstly, it is important to note that although something, a body/object is not visible in nature, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist at all! L has been saying he hasn't been able to notice any visible changes after the incident 4 days ago. Secondly, I really think he has to take life with a pinch of salt. Why be so insistent and eager to rush a change just for the intention of long-run profit/performance? Why not just sit back and watch instead? Thirdly and lastly, even by preventing something from happening, that doesn't mean it won't happen. People learn from their own mistakes, even if other people keep telling them "Don't learn from your mistakes. Don't even commit them in the first place! Learn from others' mistakes" as observable in the KMSPKS workshop/talk at Bras Basah Complex, Art of Communications. The reality is that people don't really learn from others' mistakes as they will think "I'll never commit this mistake/crime. That's them; I'm me!!". And also, if you never pick up the big rock, how can you even put it down at all? 

Today's plan: I had counselling session from 10 am to 11 am slot, but arrived late as my area was flooding and I couldn't afford to dial a cab. I arrived at Queenstown MRT around 10:40, so quickly hauled a cab and paid $3.30. At least I didn't have to walk in the rain with my shoes and socks wet. So I went down to Anchorpoint later and bought a pair of sandals, then waited for my sister for some shopping. After that, I got a call from L, so rushed off to Seah Im Food Market to have late lunch with him as well as chat about my insecurities. We walked around in Vivocity and did some last-minute shopping at Daiso. However, later when I got home after hanging out at Vivocity with him (the foot soaking at Vivocity highest level was awesome!!!!!), somehow he seemed upset over a previous blog post and I tried to pacify him for awhile but I was busy as I had to do packing to go to JB. The phone was faulty and cut off so he misunderstood that I was mad. But actually, I was more afraid that if I didn't emit a visible change soon, he'd float further away from me and we wouldn't be as close as usual.

Trivia:

L loves fishes. 

I love kisses.

The song goes

Roses are red

Violets are blue

You love fishes

but I love to kiss you

Haha, joking only lar.. don't be angry lar..

Upset & sianness

My phone's LCD again cannot click.. Sian!! N no money to replace the LCD.. Gonna cost me $80!! Anyway enjoy today's trip to Singapore Parliament House @ cityhall, just upset when they mention "Grassroots Leader" as i'm reminded of so-n-so.. But nvm. Travelled to TM to have phone checked, but warranty has ran out. :(

Received email from him! :(

What is this, I told him I took on new precepts whereby one is abstaining from impure misconduct! Why does he think I'm looking for male hooker.... Maybe life goes on? Or he is trying to agitate me again?? Where did I go wrong again?

My Problems.

This is final.

I only bring problems to guys.

The only way to help L is by getting out of his life. Sometimes I think non-endedly of suicide. Asher would love that and be overjoyed, L would be freed of a burden. But, before this, I am going to look for a therapist. to perform hypnosis and place my past into forgetfulness, particularly my last ex. My past with my ex "I" is still something I can't forget yet. If I hadn't stepped into his life, he wouldn't have been bent on hating me to the extent of calling the police and getting me convicted.

He most most most likely hopes n prays n wishes for me to land in jail. Where I can't see the light again. N he's happy now, overjoyed.

I must erase my moments with him and my other exes so I can leave my world in peace. Very soon...
And I won't contact Kaiqi, Jessie, Peiling or any of his friends anymore. This is the only right thing to do now while I haven't left the world. Sure they must be thinking I'm a hypocrite? Maybe?

 My ex called me last night. This is most likely to yell and scream at me. I didn't want to get hurt and insulted by his remarks so I passed the phone to my sister. Anyway, my sister informed me of his decision of pressing charges on me. Well, I decided to leave it all up to Buddha to decide. Let Buddha take hold of my life. Let L be happy with his girlfriend, since the greatest happiness and gift I can give to him is by leaving his life alone. I feel ever since I knew him, I have been the biggest burden on him. Let him meet the girl of his dreams. So what if I ever achieved anything in my life? So what if I managed to escape unharmed this time? It doesn't make anyone happier, it makes everyone more worried and troubled. I'm a jinx to my family. If only I wasn't born... I believe my parents regretted that I came to this world. I owed more than I could pay back. I really have been a nuisance. Maybe my ex is right to a certain point. So what if he is right? So what if he isn't? I really really don't want to mess up with my sister or L's life. If only I could disappear immediately from this world, without trace!

Upset?

Very upset over whatever happened....

I realize it's my OWN stupidity for fallin' for that 'I' in the first place.. if I didn't, this all would never happen, some more to the extent of bringing my friends and family into the picture.. I need to have my eyes checked.. as well as my brains!

Poor 'L'.. had to get a RABIES injection for being bitten by a rapid dog. And I indirectly cause him to get hurt.. Hope the swelling goes down or I'll be sorry for LIFE.

Me at Queensway

Activities over the week

 

 

 

 

My Travels today after exam 16th July

I didn't do very well on the Economics paper either. I missed on a 20-marks question coz ran out of time and that part needed some thinking to be done as it's not in the book. Ah Buddha mighty, let me get C for this paper! XP
Still better than Accounting Paper! I must do better next sem.

Had a quarrel with L. Not going to talk to him for the time being. He disagreed with me when I was thinking of taking a taxi due to the rain. Well, C is good enough for my standards already. I've got other things to focus on, and I don't think G is in the mood for a degree yet.

World's Worst Nanny: Epic Fail again ♥♥♥

Ribbons Rule! 

Eliz 'Shopping'

BBC Kids' Channel, CBeebies

 

 

(can't blog much; resuming studies any moment now)

Flunked T.T

So been studying for few weeks straight, but on the date of the exam itself, developed memory fail.. couldn't do the paper right at all. Slim chances of survival. May have to retake the paper itself. Next thing, I turns up on my doorstep 11 p.m. and stays there till 5 a.m. or so!

No idea what to do in my life.. if I fail, am I considered **USELESS**? Everyone says *Don't give up* but I'm not very myself when it comes to Accounting.. I only studied it when I came to Singapore, so HELP! :(

Just a short post | 5th July

Just a short post for today, with a photo.

>Had a counselor appointment at 3 pm in school today, so left school around 1:30 p.m. 

I realized just like I assumed, the guy who has a designer outlook has rented a pushcart for today and tomorrow. I felt a little bit unhappy as even when I'm with I last time, he never had enough to buy me a shirt. I didn't know which shirt would be suitable for me despite the fact I liked the quality, so I left on the pretext I couldn't find a design I liked.

Counseling helped as I needed someone to share my thoughts and opinions, rather than blogging to a space. I hope this decision will benefit the two of us as I'm leaving for good. Hopefully this decision will bring him up on his feet again as I can't really help him directly. He needs to take his medication again and go to Community Wellness Center for his checkups, if not, his life will be a total mess. I hope he can find someone good. In my heart, I know I am thankful to him. If not, now I wouldn't have time to spend with my mum & baby niece. Feelings will always be there, it's just how you see it as: Romantic feelings, pity or hatred. I swear I don't have the last one. I wish I could clear up to him that I'm not in love with L or thinking of giving him a chance. I've seen through the unhappiness of relationships & don't wish to indulge myself in such stupidity & selfishness again. I want to be single. As well as HAPPY & FREE. 

>Had an early dinner at school canteen with my mum & niece, then took a bus to VivoCity to go shopping for some stuffs at Watsons. Bought another Pfingo card as my credits had run out.  Stayed there till 10 p.m. Got hungry so shared Thai fried vermicelli with my mum, while M had Malay food for her dinner.<

Getting better? | 4th July

>Time to pursue religion again. Don't know if I'm getting better or not. I couldn't wake up this morning at all. Another night slept at 5:30 am. Revised a bit. I don't know what to expect anymore from my life. Let this be a lesson to me learned, never to trust a guy with my heart again, like in the Last Christmas song (Wham). & Hopefully this reason will be a good one for pushing away any guys who approach me in the future, if there will be any (Hope Not!!). I told L we can be friends, but I cannot give him any promises. He said O.K.

Friends only. I feel relieved at that. Thanks goodness. :) I just can't see myself romantically involved again. It would only weaken my soul.

My sis M brought Mum, Eliz and I to Poccolini, the Central (Clarke Quay, Singapore). Whoaaa, $30-40+ bags at $12-23. Never had a "craving" for clothes or bags, but I just felt I needed one. Especially when I is not going to get me anything. Obviously he loves someone else already. I'm not worth anyone's attention, I believe. Let me learn to love myself, and let my family be my sanctuary.

On the road to recovery | 3rd July

Realization~

 

I am going to head forward, and not look back. Today I attended my first buddhist learning class, and realized that there are so many buddhists in Singapore after all. Over 100+ people sacrificing their Saturdays to join, even some rushing after their work. I'll never be 'lonely' again, in that case. 

I realized that conditional love is not healthy. One should love all, not just one particular person. The condition is that: that person be your one special person. I realized how selfish I have been. How unequal I have been. Treating 'him' better than others, giving him special treatment in return for foolishness. What about my mum & my sister? And, worst off, I am even more surprised that aside from my family (my mum who tried to fight her rights for me, my sister who defended my rights via reasoning), it's this officer I knew for a year or so who tried to cheer me up & help me get back my confidence. I had a long talk with him & realized he's changed. No longer the silly-flirty boy who kept trying to stick to me like a magnet. Confiding in him, I feel a lot better. But I didn't tell him too much, I can't because I don't want to act like a weakling. 

Letting Go~

To move on, I have to let go. Forgive him, not hate him. Let him realize the whole thing isn't worth it. It isn't worth it to get sexually involved with others, and self-destructive behavior is for losers. I feel cheated after this; but like the counselor said, he himself agreed to the breakup so is pretty much not something I should think about, it's PAST. I told myself I need to give him my blessings to be with other girls, otherwise I'd be giving him empty hopes. I also know that it's better it happened now than later when we have reached a later stage in the relationship, then this happens. Anyway, I've read two sites on getting over breakups, one is basically on how to get over, another is how you know you've really gotten over. 

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/dumped.htm

http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/are_you_over_it.html

By the way, first link isn't on sexual relationships but "sex & relationships" which is a broad category. I recommend these two for pleasure reading.

And the other day, I picked up this book "A Happily Married Life from a Buddhist perspective" courtesy of KMS but I'm still unsure on whether I should read it or not, as I feel reluctant in believing I should step into another relationship when I am ready next time. I just don't wish to face the exact same pains, neither do I wish to tell myself my officer friend L likes me.

>Took photos at Junction 8. I believe the bruises are getting better, so I don't need to waste money on a skin grafting operation checkup medical fees.

(I think I'm regaining my confidence but I shouldn't overestimate myself just yet.)

Smart son??

From iGoogle Page:

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.Love, Bubba

>smart, ehh? filial piety+wits?

And it all ends up | July 1

...to Zero. Perhaps, I will not get myself involved in a relationship again. Love hurts? Am not stupid enough to go cutting myself again after the last incident,

The marks may be light as compared to an actual self-destructionist, but they'll be etched into my memory as my flesh + blood I got from my parents.

You treated me well for the past few days, forgave me for neglecting you, but you hurt me so much on today July 1st, 2010. Firstly I had cousins over, and secondly I wasn't ready to go to a Christian cell group meeting, I didn't feel like it and you pushed me by threatening to break off since I didn't want this relationship. Next, you threatened to find a prosty if I didn't arrive in 20 mins, then you made me run from the MRT Station to 2 different Shell Stations and back.

I was so angry with you I broke your ATM Card. I hated it when you used money on prosties. I wanted to take your money away. I pushed you because I was unhappy with you doing this to me. In the end, what did I get? You found a girl to sleep with you and I got bruises when we fought.

This bruise may be nothing, but it is, emotionally. Anyway I DON'T KNOW how to face the world when you have slept with someone else. Just a small price to pay for my own stupidity. An ugly girl with a horrible life, and a past to cast away. Who can I trust in the future?