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So near yet so far: Some thoughts.

aka letter to Zhirui Loh

As the bus circled Toa Payoh on my way to school, I thought "so near yet so far". I recall you work at Toa Payoh. 

I'm all alone now. I'm happy. And you're happy too. That's what makes me happy as well, and the engine that keeps me running, despite my loneliness in being single. 

I extract my earphones from my bag and slip the silicon into my ears, immersing myself within the deadliest music I own. Music, to me, is the eternal drug for my pain and sorrow. It makes me feel a different person altogether, and whole again.

Over the years, I saw you transform. You are no longer the lively RP you used to be. Naughty in some way, your camp tales would intrigue me. I loved your car rides. We would spend the whole day together and do practically nothing at all, but talk and talk non-stop, and stare into each others' eyes. Sadly, we had to grow up and move on with our lives, and leave our youthful dreams far behind.

Perhaps we were just too young at that time. You listen to me most of the time now, and only talk when I have something to ask, or you would just nod and smile at my countless tales. Work stress and exposure to harsh working life has contributed to your passiveness and passionless-ness. 

However, as time passes, I discover its the physical bond that grows in intensity the more we spend time with each other. And the emotional connection diminishes, as if they work antagonistically. Maybe that is what keeps us from feeling for each other enough to start over. I felt we would be better as friends. Also, I don't believe in unconditional love  or love at first sight. You agreed on that as well regarding yourself.

Perhaps we should work together to achieve our life priorities: a common goal. To achieve our full potential, either in the workplace or in studies. I love and like you, but it's just not that way. It's more of a friend thing, like what I have for Doudou. 

I want to be your emotional supporting pillar, your engine that keeps you going.

And this will be the very first thing perhaps that I put a substantial amount of effort in.

No giving up, Mr. Loh! I trust in you that you will be someone big someday, someone of high ranking and financial independence. 

I stop writing as the bus comes to a halt. I know I am arriving in school soon, in just a few bus stops. I smile, and I know nothing will stop me this time. I  know I can't love you as I did three years ago, but I know I will always support you.

Funny Day.

Today was a really hilarious day.

I had IMS this morning. Then this korean guy who usually comes late or sleeps/listens to music in class borrowed off my tutorial questions and begins to write....very slowly! So I couldn't manage to copy down what was left of the IMS diagram. The chinese dudes in the row in front didn't have the diagram either, 'coz one was reading the papers and another surfing the web. So I had to go over to James' to copy his diagram. Then, the lecturer was waiting for me to finish so he could start on the tutorial slides! Sigh, that was totally unexpected.

Then later during the break, I was talking with my classmate Y. It's funny how a topic can revolve around passing motion to meat dumplings. Pao Ba Zhang is a Singlish term for people who wear tight/skin fitting clothes which do not suit them. And if you weren't at the scene in LR-C209 at MDIS UniCampus, Queenstown, Singapore, it's really a very very long story!

My other friends are really cool. One gave me a handmade present, another accompanies me to walk to the MRT station. They have lots of awesome stories to tell as well. I joked to my friend as we walked, that I should go on QQ one day to get a China boyfriend. And she really is serious about introducing me one! She asked me what I think about a younger boy, and I say I like younger boys, as they're more innocent. :) But I really hope she isn't serious about the deed because I don't speak good Mandarin, just plain average Mandarin. :P

I had lunch with Mr.Blanket, the most innocent-looking shyboy I've seen in my life. He's also younger than me, around the same age as "Douryl" (my friends from MDIS' Publishing). The only difference -- Douryl are MassComm students, Mr Blanket is an IT student from NUS. Future, though, as he hasn't completed his NS. Douryl have. 

All the best to Douryl's future joint blog. May their DSLRs be with them through life and death, serving as a companion to the loneliest days of their lives. The coolest job is being a photojournalist, suits them awesomely fine. :)

tired

Sigh, I'm so tired.

So on Saturday went with Mr Loh for karaoke, at Partyworld Orchard. Parking cost a bomb, and the KTV bill was like around SGD 48.xx for two people.. WOW! Maybe because it's in Orchard. Sing and singing and sang and sung for more than three hours, luckily we had 2 drinks each.. I never expected Mr. Loh to be someone who sings a lot, and that he sings about the same songs as I do. =S Have I just found my long-lost un-identical twin? I hope he's not related to me.. And in the past, he was the one who actually 'inspired' me to listen to Maroon 5 and be their fan, though not official..

Trying to spend more time on my novel..(fan fiction)

Today hangout with schoolmate DouDou.. Ate at Food Junction Bugis... then walked around Bugis, went to Iluma too. Am so so so tired~~

It's my first time having KOI Cafe's Milk Tea, and my first time drinking from his straw too. He's way too generous. We got drenched a few times 'coz my umbrella's too small, and I almost lost it. An old man found my umbrella and returned it to us. A weird security guard 'chased' us away for drinking in Iluma, then we went upstairs to join the crowd of KOI-drinking. Fooled around a little, then went home. :)

The First Timer

MEMOIRS OF A FIRST TIMER NAMED PEISHAN ::

    There's always a first time for everything, they say. Be it learning how to drive, using a mobile phone for the first time, or going on a date (what ever kind). For me, it is my first time having my ears pierced. I know how this seems not new for other people; some have it as an infant, some have multiple ear piercings, and some have piercing elsewhere.

    Since my sister is the one paying, and I'm not someone to take advantage of others' kindness, I selected titanium as titanium earrings are cheaper than gold ones. I also selected the titanium earrings in royal blue as blue has always been my favorite colour.

    As I was nervous about having my ears pierced, I often procastinated instead of having my eyes pierced directly. My sister and I visited a number of jewellery shops but I was never ready. I finally decided I would have ear piercings before my birthday this year (My birthday is in a few days' time).

    I had my ears pierced at an accessories shop named B'Dazzle at Wisma Atria, after window shopping at Takashimaya with my family. Though nervous as usual, I was surprised by the speed and efficient service of the nice lady in the shop. She was also very informative, and asked if my eighteen-month year old niece would like her ears pierced as well. The procedure was speedy and involved a few steps with a few different solutions meant to numb and clean the ear lobe, followed by marking and "stapling" of the ear lobe. It felt like the times I had my finger pricked to do blood tests --  the gun and needle felt like a stapler. Though it was extremely fast (the duration was two seconds) and painless, I still remembered the feeling I held in my heart and soul -- it will always be a first experience: the feeling of a first time.

Here are some snapshots:

(Sorry the second photo is quite blur, didn't realize it)

Ear-V gone!! LOL.. "My ears lost their V"

-September-

Had the weirdest dream this morning..

On Being "Not Pretty"

I have received the advice "you ain't pretty, so stop thinking you are". Well, regarding this, I don't know how to respond.. Perhaps it's time to wake up from my dreams. And, to achieve something else in my life since I don't have the physical beauty or attractiveness that other girls do. 

Stop believing in true love?

I guess that is one option. If I am capable of handling my own life, I don't need a guy. Basically, guys think I am not pretty. So I don't need one at all to give me fake concern full-time.

This will mean the female lead characters in my novel are going to change. I.e. from pretty to un-pretty. At least, somehow, they are strong and courageous in their own ways. And uh, happy-go-lucky, and wacky. Unfortunately, they are never capable of self-control, loving oneself, or protective/conservative. 'coz that's me.

Meaning of (Baby) names

Don't know what this is supposed to mean.. LOLs...
My name, Xan means defender of mankind.
J'kang's name, Dio means wine..
and Niccolo's Nic means victory.


And we are all GREEK. and I don't know why either are 'our' names three-letter words. Maybe for originality. I did use Joey for a while but that is because Joey Wong in my Facebook is hot.

XanXan

Blog Post for yesterday, 10th Sep '10

And so begins my first day of 'tedious work'

I woke up at 6:05 am? I think.. Then was preparing.. bath, clothes, etc.. in comes NiCcelo's morning call @ 6:30 am. Expected him to forget about waking me up.. and so, I reach YCK earlier than him ... Took train with him all the way to Jurong.. realizes when he sleeps on the MRT, he looks even shorter than me!! :O

Was halfway thru' in the job (of 'assisting' Niccolo by being a flyer) till I sprained my back for no good reason.. I don't know how it happened.. and Niccolo's boss wasn't happy with my progress I think.. well Mr. Niccolo Poon informed me that I was just supposed to give out flyer and tell them what's it about IF they ask. Then Niccoolo's boss isn't happy.. I feel like an epic fail+5 or something.. AARGH! WTF is wrong with me

Well so durin' lunch time when there weren't many people I smsed up J'kang.. He's my 'soulbro' in a kind of way, people even said we look alike. Didn't expect him to come all the way to Jurong to meet me, then said "Oh, only IMM's Daiso sell this product." Well, J'kang doesn't lie so I believed him. I fell and bruised my knee (it bled slightly) when I was leaving for the MRT.. Guess my legs were too numb as I was wearing a short skirt (not mini skirt of coz).. So we went to Chinatown and I had some of the new Mr Bean's pancakes (Caramel Cheese and Egg Mayo) as well as the Soya Bean.. We went to MacD and J'kang bought a burger.. Walked Chinatown during the night and took some photos of the lantern decor, then we took the NEL MRT to our own respective destinations (home).  I was so dead beat after that.. Fell asleep on the MRT.. Woke up twice, once at Little India and another time at Kovan. I remembered to sms Niccolo sorry, but as usual, he only replies in "Ok..." or "Yes." Guess he must be even tireder than I am.. 

And I still don't know if my feelings for him are for real or not.. He does have a gf, after all. If it's a crush, then I shouldn't affect him and his gf's relationship by being there as a limiting factor.. He told me he was stressed. Juggling a job and trying to save enough money for his double degree at Curtin. I really shouldn't pressurize him too much either. Hope his new job will be fine.

Utterly Confused?

Random Thoughts
of Idiocy and Confused Notions

• I'm over my ex, but am I the type of person who can commit at all? Or should I say, am I the 'valid' type a guy would want to be his gf?

• 'JK' he is just a very close friend, but I seem to take his matters very seriously, like his personal problems, his health and well-being, and his interests. Am I just being an annoying BusyBody?

• Do I have a crush on NiCc? He has a gf already, so I'll just keep it this way. Yes, I may visit him sometimes, but it's not worth it to destroy a friendship over some stupid confused notions I have rumbling in my brain & heart. Also, I have a commitment problem, in case I forgot. I'm not good enough to be anyone's gf yet, until I change. And change is writtten in the symbol TRIANGLE. Which means, change shape?? 

NOTE: Just thoughts. Real feelings may vary in comparison, or have randomized differences. LaLaLa~

It's time~ (",)

(",) (",) (".)  (.") (.") (.")

It's time for me to forget the senseless, invalid past sorrows. (But bring the happiness along)

Like my counsellor said, past mistakes are not mistakes, but experiences.

I will learn to be happy, even if it takes all the effort in my life to overcome my sadness. Sis said, as humans, we ought to be happy. How are we going to cultivate ourselves if we are in despair? =)

Rumours

Recently, I had been dismayed by rumours spreading about me in online forums which seemingly, were not directed to me at all as I had quit. I was told about it and shown the URL, but somehow, I wonder what the people there are getting at. It's a virtual community, but the barrier between ONLINE and REALITY doesn't show. Here, people are meeting each other in real life and they think their forum nickname is something VERY important. Life is impermanent, and I feel the forum is just somewhere for me to hide from affairs in real life. Now I don't go to forums, other than mobile forums or game forums (for their links), but other than that, I'd rather take a hike (go to a park), or read a book. I also realized that forums ruin my English and disrupt my communication skills. Too used to talking online, I can't even initiate a good conversation with Sis.

Anyway, the suspect who is most likely to be the one spreading the rumours is, the guy who threatened me and tried to extort $$ from me. I can't say who he is, as this is a public blog. But who knows me well enough, knows the identity of the guy. His mother also said bad things to my ex about me, saying I had no respect for elderly! I was very clear the other time, I had not greeted her loud enough for her to hear it as I was shy. :P So here is another person, like me, who jumps to conclusions. I shall avoid doing that as well. Well, one vengeful guy who is full of hatred, and one annoying auntie who lives in her own world and says what she wants. I've left them alone, blocked them on my phone, now it's the time to leave my memories of the duo alone. By hating them, I only will hurt myself more and thrust myself deeper in sorrow and denial. And they would win the battle. So the best way to win is by not doing anything and by not caring about whatever they say. If there is such a thing as karma, then they will take back their 'unwanted presents'. I forgive them for their ignorance, and I will try my best to forget the whole incident.

Empty Threats

I logged in my old account, and another ex, Maverick (not his real name), kept MSN-ing me. Honestly, I left Mave' coz he has a wild and raging temper, and he has a sexual obsession/addiction. He would call me and ask me dirty things, and I would reject him, or not even answer my phone itself. He also likes to act very regimental. He thinks giving people orders is the best way to handle people. I guess, in this position, he is very likely to be trod on by higher-order people in his workplace, as he was working with security previously. I don't know now, but it's not right for him to want to get back with me as I'm his ex. I previously re-tweeted this quote by a random person on Twitter.

postthelove

  

PTL Post: An "ex" is called an "ex" because it's an EXample of who you shouldn't go for… http://goo.gl/fb/E0tBC

Very meaningful, isn't it? 100+ others also re-tweeted it. I'm not going into that MSN account already. Let him say open threats or what, he can go talk to the wall if he likes. Threatening will not help him in his job or life. He is just running from one problem to another by trying to get back with me. Problems will not disappear or solve by themselves. People change, but anger, temperament remain, perhaps hidden or dormant. Like in volcanoes. They just wait for a moment to ERUPT.

Holidays

Fancy FALLING SICK on the first day of your holiday! I often wake up with a sore throat, but this time, it's for real! On the second day, a slight flu followed suit. It's the third day now.. I hope a fever won't join its comrades. And the library book I requested a hold for, it is still not available. Great, now I have to wait even longer for that book I'm so desperate for!

Gratitude

-Thanks Sis & Mum (& the rest of my family) for being at my side when I need them.

-Thanks Dio for accompanying me for lunch when I feel I need someone to talk to. and for clearing doubts in novel storylines.

-Thanks Buddhism for coming into my life when I was lonely and confused, and needed attention. =)

-Thanks to my enemies/exes I used to hate for letting me realize the consequences of loving or liking too much (that it becomes an obsession).

It's time.~

Just for fun

It's time to leave the past
To seek a new beginning
Forget the pain I must
And work towards a good ending

Strength is what I have now
Persevere in my path
Never to failure I will bow
Instead I will have the last laugh

Gods may be watching over me in my life
Guide me and assist me they will
But only if I help myself strive
Success will then be real.


I know it's weird but just felt the knack for writing a senseless poem. (Dio, if you're reading, please laugh. You're allowed to.)

The Sorcerer's Apprentice @ Brunei, 3/8/10

Me at The Mall GDG

The CINEPLEX@Mall

Me acting NERD

Baby E (my niece) enjoying herself

CHEESE!!

**Edit: this is the first time I have seen CAGE in such a role. (Normally he plays goody-two-shoes or super-heroic characters. Recall the too-good-for-everything guy in FACE OFF, where he replaced the evil guy's character in the face change. And also in the movie with Penelope Cruz where he was the super-nice German general/soldier who fell in love with the Italian village doctor. I haven't seen many of his movies, but I do think his appearance in SORCERER suits him well and his character in the movie is a mix of strengths, goodness and feelings. In short, his character has CHARACTER!! Haha.) As for the guy who played the APPRENTICE, I would say Disney had a good pick as he appears to be the down-to-earth guy-next-door part, bland and clueless. A guy who wants to be just normal, but he knows he has the responsibility as he is the one chosen. Love the magical effects. ;) **

Mixed Thoughts:: Emotions!!~

What do u expect me to post, "my ex has moved on?? YIPPEE"? Well I'm happy to see that he is finally using his brains and that L will be out of his target; in fact I did tell him if he hates me he should target me one-to-one instead of harming an innocent bystander like L. My heart sinks every time I see the bruises on L's wrist. If I hadn't been so stubborn, perhaps all this wouldn't have happened. I will have my eyes checked for stamps.

Another season of good food. Am I gaining weight? I hope I am. I don't want my dad to think I'm starving during my period of stay in Singapore.

What is love?

It is the emotional drive of the heart and mind, making us commit several actions unconsciously. I can't help but notice that L doesn't like me one bit except as a friend. I'm not his ideal type of girl, but he could be frank with me instead of beating about the bush, to prevent future misconceptions. And he's waiting for The One.

We took a cab together once and the driver thought we were a couple, perhaps it's the chemistry I have with L but not with other guys. L told the driver a long story instead of just denying the fact. I feel he should be truthful to himself that he does not like a person with in-confidence issue and easily swayed by the remarks of the people around her. Currently, I do not have any special feelings for L yet but am sometimes confused by what he has to say.

Love Versus Religion

I get really pissed off when anyone criticizes my religion especially to the extent of bringing out the Pastor-Rony Tan issue. Hello, it is just two ex-Buddhists, has the person who is forwarding me the message even thought about the number of ex-Christians 'converting' to Buddhists? And so much for saying I failed because of being a non-believer of Christianity, I really think there is a problem here with this person, not with the religions at all!! 

For the moment, I believe that love is hopeless. I'm not going to wait for The One like L, but I do wish him happiness and everlasting bliss, from the bottom of my heart. Secondly I wish to wish it to Mr John S from the Nanyang Technological University, as he hasn't found his second half yet.

Thoughts regarding personal change

Just something I have to say. Firstly, it is important to note that although something, a body/object is not visible in nature, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist at all! L has been saying he hasn't been able to notice any visible changes after the incident 4 days ago. Secondly, I really think he has to take life with a pinch of salt. Why be so insistent and eager to rush a change just for the intention of long-run profit/performance? Why not just sit back and watch instead? Thirdly and lastly, even by preventing something from happening, that doesn't mean it won't happen. People learn from their own mistakes, even if other people keep telling them "Don't learn from your mistakes. Don't even commit them in the first place! Learn from others' mistakes" as observable in the KMSPKS workshop/talk at Bras Basah Complex, Art of Communications. The reality is that people don't really learn from others' mistakes as they will think "I'll never commit this mistake/crime. That's them; I'm me!!". And also, if you never pick up the big rock, how can you even put it down at all? 

Today's plan: I had counselling session from 10 am to 11 am slot, but arrived late as my area was flooding and I couldn't afford to dial a cab. I arrived at Queenstown MRT around 10:40, so quickly hauled a cab and paid $3.30. At least I didn't have to walk in the rain with my shoes and socks wet. So I went down to Anchorpoint later and bought a pair of sandals, then waited for my sister for some shopping. After that, I got a call from L, so rushed off to Seah Im Food Market to have late lunch with him as well as chat about my insecurities. We walked around in Vivocity and did some last-minute shopping at Daiso. However, later when I got home after hanging out at Vivocity with him (the foot soaking at Vivocity highest level was awesome!!!!!), somehow he seemed upset over a previous blog post and I tried to pacify him for awhile but I was busy as I had to do packing to go to JB. The phone was faulty and cut off so he misunderstood that I was mad. But actually, I was more afraid that if I didn't emit a visible change soon, he'd float further away from me and we wouldn't be as close as usual.

Trivia:

L loves fishes. 

I love kisses.

The song goes

Roses are red

Violets are blue

You love fishes

but I love to kiss you

Haha, joking only lar.. don't be angry lar..

Upset & sianness

My phone's LCD again cannot click.. Sian!! N no money to replace the LCD.. Gonna cost me $80!! Anyway enjoy today's trip to Singapore Parliament House @ cityhall, just upset when they mention "Grassroots Leader" as i'm reminded of so-n-so.. But nvm. Travelled to TM to have phone checked, but warranty has ran out. :(

Received email from him! :(

What is this, I told him I took on new precepts whereby one is abstaining from impure misconduct! Why does he think I'm looking for male hooker.... Maybe life goes on? Or he is trying to agitate me again?? Where did I go wrong again?

My Problems.

This is final.

I only bring problems to guys.

The only way to help L is by getting out of his life. Sometimes I think non-endedly of suicide. Asher would love that and be overjoyed, L would be freed of a burden. But, before this, I am going to look for a therapist. to perform hypnosis and place my past into forgetfulness, particularly my last ex. My past with my ex "I" is still something I can't forget yet. If I hadn't stepped into his life, he wouldn't have been bent on hating me to the extent of calling the police and getting me convicted.

He most most most likely hopes n prays n wishes for me to land in jail. Where I can't see the light again. N he's happy now, overjoyed.

I must erase my moments with him and my other exes so I can leave my world in peace. Very soon...
And I won't contact Kaiqi, Jessie, Peiling or any of his friends anymore. This is the only right thing to do now while I haven't left the world. Sure they must be thinking I'm a hypocrite? Maybe?

 My ex called me last night. This is most likely to yell and scream at me. I didn't want to get hurt and insulted by his remarks so I passed the phone to my sister. Anyway, my sister informed me of his decision of pressing charges on me. Well, I decided to leave it all up to Buddha to decide. Let Buddha take hold of my life. Let L be happy with his girlfriend, since the greatest happiness and gift I can give to him is by leaving his life alone. I feel ever since I knew him, I have been the biggest burden on him. Let him meet the girl of his dreams. So what if I ever achieved anything in my life? So what if I managed to escape unharmed this time? It doesn't make anyone happier, it makes everyone more worried and troubled. I'm a jinx to my family. If only I wasn't born... I believe my parents regretted that I came to this world. I owed more than I could pay back. I really have been a nuisance. Maybe my ex is right to a certain point. So what if he is right? So what if he isn't? I really really don't want to mess up with my sister or L's life. If only I could disappear immediately from this world, without trace!

Upset?

Very upset over whatever happened....

I realize it's my OWN stupidity for fallin' for that 'I' in the first place.. if I didn't, this all would never happen, some more to the extent of bringing my friends and family into the picture.. I need to have my eyes checked.. as well as my brains!

Poor 'L'.. had to get a RABIES injection for being bitten by a rapid dog. And I indirectly cause him to get hurt.. Hope the swelling goes down or I'll be sorry for LIFE.

Me at Queensway

Activities over the week

 

 

 

 

My Travels today after exam 16th July

I didn't do very well on the Economics paper either. I missed on a 20-marks question coz ran out of time and that part needed some thinking to be done as it's not in the book. Ah Buddha mighty, let me get C for this paper! XP
Still better than Accounting Paper! I must do better next sem.

Had a quarrel with L. Not going to talk to him for the time being. He disagreed with me when I was thinking of taking a taxi due to the rain. Well, C is good enough for my standards already. I've got other things to focus on, and I don't think G is in the mood for a degree yet.