Getting better? | 4th July

>Time to pursue religion again. Don't know if I'm getting better or not. I couldn't wake up this morning at all. Another night slept at 5:30 am. Revised a bit. I don't know what to expect anymore from my life. Let this be a lesson to me learned, never to trust a guy with my heart again, like in the Last Christmas song (Wham). & Hopefully this reason will be a good one for pushing away any guys who approach me in the future, if there will be any (Hope Not!!). I told L we can be friends, but I cannot give him any promises. He said O.K.

Friends only. I feel relieved at that. Thanks goodness. :) I just can't see myself romantically involved again. It would only weaken my soul.

My sis M brought Mum, Eliz and I to Poccolini, the Central (Clarke Quay, Singapore). Whoaaa, $30-40+ bags at $12-23. Never had a "craving" for clothes or bags, but I just felt I needed one. Especially when I is not going to get me anything. Obviously he loves someone else already. I'm not worth anyone's attention, I believe. Let me learn to love myself, and let my family be my sanctuary.

On the road to recovery | 3rd July

Realization~

 

I am going to head forward, and not look back. Today I attended my first buddhist learning class, and realized that there are so many buddhists in Singapore after all. Over 100+ people sacrificing their Saturdays to join, even some rushing after their work. I'll never be 'lonely' again, in that case. 

I realized that conditional love is not healthy. One should love all, not just one particular person. The condition is that: that person be your one special person. I realized how selfish I have been. How unequal I have been. Treating 'him' better than others, giving him special treatment in return for foolishness. What about my mum & my sister? And, worst off, I am even more surprised that aside from my family (my mum who tried to fight her rights for me, my sister who defended my rights via reasoning), it's this officer I knew for a year or so who tried to cheer me up & help me get back my confidence. I had a long talk with him & realized he's changed. No longer the silly-flirty boy who kept trying to stick to me like a magnet. Confiding in him, I feel a lot better. But I didn't tell him too much, I can't because I don't want to act like a weakling. 

Letting Go~

To move on, I have to let go. Forgive him, not hate him. Let him realize the whole thing isn't worth it. It isn't worth it to get sexually involved with others, and self-destructive behavior is for losers. I feel cheated after this; but like the counselor said, he himself agreed to the breakup so is pretty much not something I should think about, it's PAST. I told myself I need to give him my blessings to be with other girls, otherwise I'd be giving him empty hopes. I also know that it's better it happened now than later when we have reached a later stage in the relationship, then this happens. Anyway, I've read two sites on getting over breakups, one is basically on how to get over, another is how you know you've really gotten over. 

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/dumped.htm

http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/are_you_over_it.html

By the way, first link isn't on sexual relationships but "sex & relationships" which is a broad category. I recommend these two for pleasure reading.

And the other day, I picked up this book "A Happily Married Life from a Buddhist perspective" courtesy of KMS but I'm still unsure on whether I should read it or not, as I feel reluctant in believing I should step into another relationship when I am ready next time. I just don't wish to face the exact same pains, neither do I wish to tell myself my officer friend L likes me.

>Took photos at Junction 8. I believe the bruises are getting better, so I don't need to waste money on a skin grafting operation checkup medical fees.

(I think I'm regaining my confidence but I shouldn't overestimate myself just yet.)

Smart son??

From iGoogle Page:

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.Love, Bubba

>smart, ehh? filial piety+wits?

And it all ends up | July 1

...to Zero. Perhaps, I will not get myself involved in a relationship again. Love hurts? Am not stupid enough to go cutting myself again after the last incident,

The marks may be light as compared to an actual self-destructionist, but they'll be etched into my memory as my flesh + blood I got from my parents.

You treated me well for the past few days, forgave me for neglecting you, but you hurt me so much on today July 1st, 2010. Firstly I had cousins over, and secondly I wasn't ready to go to a Christian cell group meeting, I didn't feel like it and you pushed me by threatening to break off since I didn't want this relationship. Next, you threatened to find a prosty if I didn't arrive in 20 mins, then you made me run from the MRT Station to 2 different Shell Stations and back.

I was so angry with you I broke your ATM Card. I hated it when you used money on prosties. I wanted to take your money away. I pushed you because I was unhappy with you doing this to me. In the end, what did I get? You found a girl to sleep with you and I got bruises when we fought.

This bruise may be nothing, but it is, emotionally. Anyway I DON'T KNOW how to face the world when you have slept with someone else. Just a small price to pay for my own stupidity. An ugly girl with a horrible life, and a past to cast away. Who can I trust in the future?

Yesterday's | 28 June

My dear, I tried to help me out with my studies, but we couldn't figure out how to score for the essay topic 'Barriers to Entry & Exit: SG Power'. Mostly because I wasn't familiar enough with the issues on SG Power. I've never heard of it before this and a bit confused on the relation to the topic itself; it's so monopoly/oligopoly-like that I can't figure what strategies it employs for pricing etc. Since there are no competitors, how can there be, for e.g. Predatory Pricing? and I'm not clear either on what regulations are there in Singapore to support it other than it has ties with the gov?

(Choked on $3.50 Cheese Fries@KFC which I had craving for. OMG, back in Bru' it's only $2.50! and the same taste, whatsoever! But I'm not very updated about their value meals as I haven't been there for quite awhile.. more than a year I haven't gone back! I'm soooo homesick..! They must have the Mushroom beef/chix burger meal now. In the past, it was popular for Zinger Burger.)

Anyway, got to pick a few more topics for essays before my classmate, N comes back to Singapore. So preparing myself before I can do a group study with her.

Some truths about my revising style | 28 June

Another morning spent at home with me waking up late again.

I'm quite confused with some essay topics. Which should I choose? So emailed my inquiries to my previous Advanced Diploma classmate, R. Hope she has the time to reply my questions and settle my confusions. I want to work hard at my three modules, regardless the results. From what I believe, everyone has their own limits and standards. I'm not clear with the Undergraduate grading, but from what's written in the handbooks from school, the grading is lower than Advanced Diploma (Pre-University) slightly. For example, in AD, 80% is A and 70% is B. I am a B&Cs scorer in AD. But in the Undergraduate programme , A is only 70% and B is 60%. Wow~! and most SMART people are 'B' scorers when they are undergrads.

I go for creative learning. Instead of write- write- memorize- memorize I try to imagine & put myself in the situation. And amazing enough, for the module Economics of Industry, the UK University Partner's expectation is for students to think out of the box; beyond what's in the textbooks. I hope I can do well. My sister, M gets A's in Thames for her diploma, I wonder if that means my intellect is beyond average, or I'm not studying hard enough. I'm not a STUDY HARD HARD person, I'm more of a STUDY AS I UNDERSTAND type. My revising style is very different from others'. I like to relax and do my usual stuffs while studying. Previously, when I attempted to change my revising style to that of the non-stop study and sleep late type, I almost went bonkers. I just couldn't take it at all. People may think I'm such a slacker but I just don't know how to study when my revising style is as such!

Exams on 12 July, 16 July & 26 July

No Photo-copy Memorization, Lah! ♥

I have been silent recently...

No mood to talk over the phone sometimes. Dump my phone in a corner in the unused room where I keep my school books. 

Don't know what to do. Don't know how to change my routine.

I know I want to do well but I'm not confident enough to change everything. I can't clog my head with details and expect myself to remember everything. I wish I could, though.

Tried cramming myself with vitamins but it just doesn't work. Turns into egested material :( and get flushed away...

Now I realize it's not about mimicking the "light borrower" of the olden times. It's all about carrying yourself the way you want to. I can't change my self-routine of studying. I can only accommodate my routine to suit my own lifestyle, by doing enough revision and increasing the amount of time spent per time. I can't coop myself up too much. I can't stare at a book the whole day and expect myself to remember what I have learned by sitting in front of the book. Gone are the days when people memorize book after book of information. Instead, here is memorization+apply. Apply what you understand, as there is no RIGHT or WRONG answer! ♥

Thank you for being at my side but please understand I need time to be alone as well when I'm down or feeling lonely.  ♥ ♥ ♥