So near yet so far: Some thoughts.

aka letter to Zhirui Loh

As the bus circled Toa Payoh on my way to school, I thought "so near yet so far". I recall you work at Toa Payoh. 

I'm all alone now. I'm happy. And you're happy too. That's what makes me happy as well, and the engine that keeps me running, despite my loneliness in being single. 

I extract my earphones from my bag and slip the silicon into my ears, immersing myself within the deadliest music I own. Music, to me, is the eternal drug for my pain and sorrow. It makes me feel a different person altogether, and whole again.

Over the years, I saw you transform. You are no longer the lively RP you used to be. Naughty in some way, your camp tales would intrigue me. I loved your car rides. We would spend the whole day together and do practically nothing at all, but talk and talk non-stop, and stare into each others' eyes. Sadly, we had to grow up and move on with our lives, and leave our youthful dreams far behind.

Perhaps we were just too young at that time. You listen to me most of the time now, and only talk when I have something to ask, or you would just nod and smile at my countless tales. Work stress and exposure to harsh working life has contributed to your passiveness and passionless-ness. 

However, as time passes, I discover its the physical bond that grows in intensity the more we spend time with each other. And the emotional connection diminishes, as if they work antagonistically. Maybe that is what keeps us from feeling for each other enough to start over. I felt we would be better as friends. Also, I don't believe in unconditional love  or love at first sight. You agreed on that as well regarding yourself.

Perhaps we should work together to achieve our life priorities: a common goal. To achieve our full potential, either in the workplace or in studies. I love and like you, but it's just not that way. It's more of a friend thing, like what I have for Doudou. 

I want to be your emotional supporting pillar, your engine that keeps you going.

And this will be the very first thing perhaps that I put a substantial amount of effort in.

No giving up, Mr. Loh! I trust in you that you will be someone big someday, someone of high ranking and financial independence. 

I stop writing as the bus comes to a halt. I know I am arriving in school soon, in just a few bus stops. I smile, and I know nothing will stop me this time. I  know I can't love you as I did three years ago, but I know I will always support you.